I don’t know why or what is it but I know I’ve got a huge void inside me that is unbearable.
I do everything to run away from it, I do everything to hide it but it’s just there.
I don’t know why I feel worthless and why shouldn’t I feel this way?
This anxiety kicks in and I feel frozen I can’t think and I don’t know why it’s there
I know I’m not a good friend. I know I can’t give love. I wanna tell my friends and family that I’m sorry cause I’m not enough for them and I suck the life out of them without having much to give them back.
I wish they all leave me so I wouldn’t die a thousand time under the pressure of guilt, shame and anxiety.
I feel empty and I’m affecting other people’s lives too and I can’t cut everyone out because I’m a fucking human being and I need people.
I’m not misusing them intentionally but it ends up like that.
I wish I was only responsible for myself.
It’s just the way I am and it’s not enough and I feel like I’m toxic for other people. now do u understand why do I have social anxiety? why I can’t stand people? why do I feel alone?
I wish I knew the answer to this dilemma.
since when do I owe people and life something? did I ask for this life? did I sign a contract?
I always feel like a burden for my friends for my parents for society.
And I think to myself A LOT that my friends don’t like me and they don’t care about me and I’m just wasting their time.
I feel like I’m empty and I have nothing to give. I feel like I’m disappointing and I can’t even study or get a job!
I must do that. I’m stuck in this exhausting loop of needing people and staying away from them cause I feel hated and not enough and embarrassing.
Patrick Melrose (At Last)